Just For My Sanity
by FreakyKitty
Summary: Remus writes a letter to Sirius after he is sent to Azkaban. He explains his feelings and confusion. Warning: It's pretty angsty. Implied slash: SBRL. Rated for mention of cutting.Please review!


_Just For My Sanity _

(A/N: Okay, this is Remus' letter to Sirius after Sirius was sent to Azkaban. Whether Sirius actually recieved this letter or not is completely up to you. Please review! Thanks for reading:)

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Dearest Sirius,

I don't know quite how to start this letter, so I might just produce incoherent sentences. Well, here goes nothing. I miss you so terribly much. I cannot believe that you have done those horrible things. I can't bear to think that you joined forces with Voldemort, that you betrayed James and Lily, you killed Peter, and that you lied to me. We were so close, Sirius, all of us were of course, but you and me… I thought that we were honest with each other, how could you lie to me? You could have trusted me with anything. I would have helped you through whatever was going on, why did you have to turn to the very evil that you were against? Why? I ask myself this question everyday and try to answer it with possible situations, but none of them make any sense. I wish that I could talk to you, to ask you why you did it. But Azkaban is so isolated and restricted that I can't even send you this damn letter. I don't even know why I am writing this, what's the point? You are never going to read it…maybe I'm writing this just for my sanity...

Being here in this one bedroom flat makes it harder for me to move on. I can still feel your presence, in the bedroom, in the shower, on the sofa, and even in the garden. Everywhere that I go, I can feel you.

Your side of the bed is empty, still waiting for you. I can't sleep at night. I toss and turn, and when I do sleep, it always the same thing, I dream of you. I dream that you're sleeping right next to me, and that none of this had ever happened. But I wake up and realize that you're not there, and that it was just a fantasy.

The night that you left me is etched into my brain. You told me you loved me and you kissed me so gently, but then you said something that I will always remember. You told me that things are going to get rough but I have to stay strong. I fear that I have let you down…

I have to confess that I am not as strong as you told me to be. I have started to drink excessively. When I become so depressed and I don't want to think about you or this heartache, I go to the nearest tavern and drink firewhiskey until I can't remember any of it anymore. I know, it's a shame, but I am so weak. And I'm afraid that's not all I am guilty of. I have been cutting myself lately. It started with just small wounds, but the deeper my pain is, the deeper I cut. And all I have been doing lately is thinking of you, and it hurts, it hurts so bad Sirius…

I don't know what to do, I love you so much, but I don't want to be a fool for loving a betraying murderer. Maybe I should move on, find another lover. But I know that no matter whom I encounter, I'll never find anyone like you, someone who knows me inside and out like you do. I know that I'll never love someone as much as I love you, and I don't even think I _can_ love anyone else but you. You were my whole life, Sirius, and now I have nothing, no one…I am all alone in this wretched world.

I barely have the strength to wake up everyday and face this life. I can't look at the world the same way. Without you, everything is so cold and harsh, and I don't want to experience this loneliness. I hate to say this, but sometimes I wish I could just die to save myself from this pain. The only thing that keeps me going is hope; hope that you are actually innocent and will return to me shortly. I know that's a stretch but I can't help but to hold on to this hope and cherish it, and maybe, just maybe it'll come true.

It's close to Christmas and the agony is unbearable. I cannot feel the magic of the supposedly joyous season, for nothing is joyous without you by my side. I remember Christmas pasts and how happy we were together. I remember every gift given, every hot cocoa shared, every photograph taken, and every Christmas night spent with you by the fire. It brings me both tears of joy and tears of sorrow. I wonder if you think of these things while you are in Azkaban. I pray that you do, I pray that you remember me, and remember us.

Dumbledore has taken precautionary measures and has sent Harry to live with his muggle aunt and uncle. I don't think he will have any contact with the wizarding world until he is old enough to go to Hogwarts. I asked Dumbledore if I could take him in, but he told me that placing him in the care of his aunt would be safer than having him in the wizarding world with some leftover Death Eaters, who might try to get their revenge. I suppose he's right, especially with my monthly transformations, I wouldn't want little Harry to be exposed to that kind of danger. But I still wish that I could have raised him, it would have given me a lot more to live for.

Many of the Death Eaters have scattered, most have been arrested and have joined you in Azkaban, but some remain free to roam the wizarding world. One of them including Lucius Malfoy who claims that he was under the Imperius curse. I personally don't believe him, being the scum and vermin that he is. Severus Snape has somehow gained Dumbledore's trust and is therefore an ally. I'm not really sure how that worked out, but if Dumbledore trusts him, then I do too.

I really don't know what lies ahead of me, or what else life will throw my way. Maybe I'll make it through this misery, and become stronger. Or maybe I'll just kill all of the pain away with one deep sever and I'll never know what tomorrow may bring…

Thinking of you always,

Remus Lupin

P.S. _I love you._


End file.
